I am so fucking depressed. I shouldn't be! I got my CPAP finally a few weeks ago, I'm finally getting treatment for my sleep apnea, I should feel better (and generally speaking I do, at least sorta).
Last night was a mess tho. I slept, and I slept a considerable amount I think, but I had a billion nightmares and I woke up to another unfulfilling day in my unfulfilling life. I dunno how to even describe it. Just the general feeling of how unimportant I am, not just in the grand scheme of the world itself but within the actual lives I'm a part of. I feel so meaningless to my family, to my friends, to everyone. I feel like this guy who could just be cut out at any time and nothing would change. I don't get it. I genuinely don't- to the extent that it's hard for me to even explain it in text. It's the way nobody talks to me, the way I have to initiate conversation, and the way I'm left hanging so frequently. The way, no matter what friend group I'm in, I don't feel like I belong. The way I just don't feel like I matter. Like I could be excluded at any given time.
My family has never really cared much about me, especially not nowadays because I'm perceived as a failure who didn't follow whatever fictional map they expected me to be born with, some sorta map as to every specific action I'm supposed to take to impress them or everyone else. It's so easy, I've noticed, for family to sit by in silence, waiting to criticize, but it's nearly impossible for them to actually act in a way that has a positive effect. They don't support, they just wait for a chance to kick the ladder out from under you, then complain about you sitting in the dirt. Over and over. They want you to "succeed" so desperately but nothing you really do is correct, and they love to let you know that. That you'll never amount to what they really want from you.
I've matched with like... 8 or 9 girls on Tinder recently and they all ghosted me. Lol. It's awesome how I can try so hard to establish a conversation, to establish a connection, to try to connect to somebody else but it doesn't matter. I ask them about themselves and they have zero interest in sharing. I talk about my own interests then and I'm just a boring weirdo. It's cool and fun and awesome living in what feels like a world full of cardboard cutouts. For fuck's sake, be passionate about something. We're all going to fucking die. Care. Start caring. Care about something, please. Weed and consumerist bullshit doesn't fucking count, they've got you by the fucking figurative balls eating slop from a trough until you die. Fucking care. Jesus Christ. Create something, anything, whatever as long as it doesn't have Baby Yoda or Iron Man or a fucking pot leaf on it. I don't even know what I'm ranting about at this point but hopefully it makes sense. I just feel so fucking alone. Is this because I'm autistic or is it because other people don't get it?
There was a chick I talked to once who wouldn't answer me 90% of the time until eventually she just deleted me from everything silently, and her reasoning was because she was intimidated. Not because I'm aggressive or anything (which I might come off as, considering I swear like a sailor), but because she said I sound "really smart" and it scared her. I don't even know how to parse that. I've had people get all woogly and freaked out before by just the way I type, because I don't type
like this in all lowercase with zero punctuation lmao
but I dunno man, who gives a shit. I'm just tired. I'm tired and I'm sad and I'm lonely.