Welcome to the Updates Page, a relatively boring pit of personal info regarding my life and this site. There's not much of real interest here but you're free to peruse it anyways.

"Wait a minute!", I hear you say. "I thought this was the journal page?!" Well, it is and it isn't. It technically is, but I changed the name and design and I'm too lazy to fix all the inconsistencies. So, uh... in the meantime just kinda deal with it until I bother to fix it all up (implying I ever will).

Saturday, June 19th, 2021

I don't know what's wrong with my head. I've been having weird mental problems this year. To be fair I've always had weird mental problems but stuff's been especially bad lately. I've been seeing stars and flashes and little pinprick white dots and all kinds of weird hallucinatory whizbangs and I don't totally get what's going on and thankfully neither do my doctors. I just really hope it isn't something serious. I also don't know if this is some sorta post-covid thing or what. I don't know how long these sorta things last or if they cause permanent damage or whatever. It's been sorta on and off in terms of severity I've noticed- a few months back it was bad enough that I was seeing "camera flashes" when my eyes were shut.

I'm so fucking sick of Twitter. Twitter is literally, genuinely, 110% just an internet propaganda machine. The stupidest shit imaginable pops up in the trending tab on a daily basis and it's not even trending. It's crap they wanna force on you whether you want it or not. I don't give a shit about whatever political garbage is being slopped out- or at least I DO give a shit, but I care about real things that really matter and affect real people. I don't care about whatever false narrative is being spun by every media outlet known to man until it starts to hurt people who deserve better. I'm sick of all the division in this country, but I prattle on about that on a near-daily basis. It's almost the only thing I ever talk about anymore. Just whatever bad shit is pumping through my head. I just wish things were better and I feel really alone in my thoughts.

Thing that genuinely scares me- the dead internet theory, and searching for old websites but instead of finding stuff made by humans you find dozens of word salad bot-generated sites cluttering up the results.

Sunday, June 20th, 2021

I didn't sleep that great. I don't know why but I'm extremely sensitive to how much sleep I get or when I wake up. If I wake up too early it ruins my entire day, I'll have this foggy feeling that won't go away that makes it harder for me to think straight or remember things, and usually a weird burning sensation in my forehead that comes and goes. There's a tendency for this feeling to last literally all day until the very minute I go to bed, where it suddenly dissipates and I can think straight again, which would be a good thing if it didn't ruin my ability to pass out on time, since I usually feel very alert and awake once this happens. It's pretty much a coin flip as to whether I'll be super tired at night or super awake. Either way the amount of sleep I get has a drastic impact on how I think and act and, like the weird visual phenomena stuff, kinda really worries me.

To add onto the above, my cat Maxwell woke me up this morning around 4:33 AM for a short while by loudly meowing nonstop as he crawled out from under my bed. I went to open my door to let him out and naturally the doorknob popped clean off the metal rod it's screwed onto, meaning he stood there screaming at me in the middle of the night while I sat there fumbling and trying to get the door open as fast as possible so he'd stop and so I could hopefully fall back asleep.

Once I fell back asleep I had a couple weird dreams- in one I remember walking around outside in a storm, and there were weird "flat" statues jammed into the ground like tombstones near an apartment complex by me. One of the statues was broken and ended near the face, sorta cut off right at a big toothy smile while everything from the mouth up was missing. The statues sorta looked like samurai or shogun. Another dream I had involved walking around in a creaky, wet building with dark corridors that felt like ravines, and unlocking a weird metal door with two sets of keys. There was a fridge in one of the rooms that was open and full of moldy food, but the light inside was still working. I also had another dream a girl I've been talking to online told me she had a confession to make, and then added me to a Discord group where she admitted she was actually a guy and was trying to troll me, and that all "her" photos were swiped from someone random online. Something similar actually happened to me years ago when I was 15, where "friends" of mine from my old school catfished me on Skype pretending to be a girl interested in the game I was working on at the time before adding me to a group and confessing and then making fun of me. Cool.

Monday, June 21st, 2021

Update on the girl I dreamt about: She's real and she's hot. She also, unfortunately, lives clear across the country and seems generally interested in just sorta screwing around over the internet but I'm a colossal moron so I tend to mentally grativate towards things beyond sex. I'm kinda "love-starved" I guess, I'm a massive sucker for romance and I always feel super hollow if all I do is fool around. I want a legit relationship with someone genuine. She seems like she's getting gradually clingier, which is good, but who knows what it'll amount to, if anything. There's been a lot of "drop in the bucket" situations in my life to the point where I don't know how to feel anymore when it comes to these things. I'm afraid to set myself up for literally anything emotionally.

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