Welcome to the Updates Page, a relatively boring pit of personal info regarding my life and this site. There's not much of real interest here but you're free to peruse it anyways.
"Wait a minute!", I hear you say. "I thought this was the journal page?!" Well, it is and it isn't. It technically is, but I changed the name and design and I'm too lazy to fix all the inconsistencies. So, uh... in the meantime just kinda deal with it until I bother to fix it all up (implying I ever will).
I don't know what's wrong with my head. I've been having weird mental problems this year. To be fair I've always had weird mental problems but stuff's been especially bad lately. I've been seeing stars and flashes and little pinprick white dots and all kinds of weird hallucinatory whizbangs and I don't totally get what's going on and thankfully neither do my doctors. I just really hope it isn't something serious. I also don't know if this is some sorta post-covid thing or what. I don't know how long these sorta things last or if they cause permanent damage or whatever. It's been sorta on and off in terms of severity I've noticed- a few months back it was bad enough that I was seeing "camera flashes" when my eyes were shut.
I'm so fucking sick of Twitter. Twitter is literally, genuinely, 110% just an internet propaganda machine. The stupidest shit imaginable pops up in the trending tab on a daily basis and it's not even trending. It's crap they wanna force on you whether you want it or not. I don't give a shit about whatever political garbage is being slopped out- or at least I DO give a shit, but I care about real things that really matter and affect real people. I don't care about whatever false narrative is being spun by every media outlet known to man until it starts to hurt people who deserve better. I'm sick of all the division in this country, but I prattle on about that on a near-daily basis. It's almost the only thing I ever talk about anymore. Just whatever bad shit is pumping through my head. I just wish things were better and I feel really alone in my thoughts.
Thing that genuinely scares me- the dead internet theory, and searching for old websites but instead of finding stuff made by humans you find dozens of word salad bot-generated sites cluttering up the results.
I didn't sleep that great. I don't know why but I'm extremely sensitive to how much sleep I get or when I wake up. If I wake up too early it ruins my entire day, I'll have this foggy feeling that won't go away that makes it harder for me to think straight or remember things, and usually a weird burning sensation in my forehead that comes and goes. There's a tendency for this feeling to last literally all day until the very minute I go to bed, where it suddenly dissipates and I can think straight again, which would be a good thing if it didn't ruin my ability to pass out on time, since I usually feel very alert and awake once this happens. It's pretty much a coin flip as to whether I'll be super tired at night or super awake. Either way the amount of sleep I get has a drastic impact on how I think and act and, like the weird visual phenomena stuff, kinda really worries me.
To add onto the above, my cat Maxwell woke me up this morning around 4:33 AM for a short while by loudly meowing nonstop as he crawled out from under my bed. I went to open my door to let him out and naturally the doorknob popped clean off the metal rod it's screwed onto, meaning he stood there screaming at me in the middle of the night while I sat there fumbling and trying to get the door open as fast as possible so he'd stop and so I could hopefully fall back asleep.
Once I fell back asleep I had a couple weird dreams- in one I remember walking around outside in a storm, and there were weird "flat" statues jammed into the ground like tombstones near an apartment complex by me. One of the statues was broken and ended near the face, sorta cut off right at a big toothy smile while everything from the mouth up was missing. The statues sorta looked like samurai or shogun. Another dream I had involved walking around in a creaky, wet building with dark corridors that felt like ravines, and unlocking a weird metal door with two sets of keys. There was a fridge in one of the rooms that was open and full of moldy food, but the light inside was still working. I also had another dream a girl I've been talking to online told me she had a confession to make, and then added me to a Discord group where she admitted she was actually a guy and was trying to troll me, and that all "her" photos were swiped from someone random online. Something similar actually happened to me years ago when I was 15, where "friends" of mine from my old school catfished me on Skype pretending to be a girl interested in the game I was working on at the time before adding me to a group and confessing and then making fun of me. Cool.
I'm really exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, etc. I feel really terrible and I've felt really terrible for a while now. I'm not really happy anymore. I don't feel like there's any reason to be happy, none of the things I love or care about exist anymore. The world I was actually happy in no longer exists. I grew up surrounding myself with things to escape into to avoid the world around me and nowadays the internet and "real life" are basically the same. There's no escape anymore. Trying to escape feels impossible. Even running off to here feels like I'm hiding away in some dark, empty corner. There used to be a sort of warmth or comfort I felt as a kid any time I'd go online- like I was diving into a world of infinite possibilities, new things to discover, new people to talk to, etc. Nowadays tho I just feel really hollow. I know I probably sound super pretentious, I had a friend years ago who used to tell me I was pretentious and it always bugged the shit outta me. But that's just how I feel, y'know? I feel lost, or vacant, or something. I don't feel empty inside, I feel like the world around me is empty, like it's missing everything that made me feel like I fit in. Know what I mean?
I miss everything about the old world, about the old internet, about old culture. I lament and spiral and bitch and moan about the same things constantly like a broken record, but I don't know what else to do. I feel really alone, even with friends. Time and age and loss, etc., it's all compounding on my brain in a way where I don't see a point in living. I don't know what the future holds that's actually worth waiting for. I'm really lucky I was born when I was, in time to experience the things I experienced, but the loss of those things is traumatic. I want "my life" back, y'know? I want to experience the things that made me happy again. But I know it's over, and I know I need to find something to fill those voids, but I search and search and search and I can't find fuckall anything that fits the same way. And I can delude myself and pretend that everything is okay and these things never left- I can still take books off the shelf, I can still watch things from when I was a kid, I can still play old games, etc. But it never feels the same. The entire time I just obsess over the time passed since that thing was new, I remember the moment I got it, I remember the moment that specific thing "clicked" with me. It's a mess. Everything is a fucking mess and I am honestly really, really sad. I think back to these things that meant so much to me when I was younger, then I go and look in the mirror and I can barely recognize the person I am now compared to then. I can see the effect of time in my face and feel it in my heart. I dunno.
I'm so depressed, man. Yesterday was such a bad day. I hate feeling like such an outsider any time I go out in public, it's like I've crash landed on a planet full of miserable, apathetic people sometimes. It's like the default attitude people have towards strangers is this intense distrust that feeds a sort of defensive animosity. Or something. I don't really know. I didn't sleep great last night because I spent most of my time tossing and turning and replaying the same embarrassing shit in my head over and over, reciting it like that'll somehow make it better. I am so fucking sensitive.
